Paige Williams Writes.

I have an important confession to make.

I really. Really. Do. And here’s why:

Have you ever noticed that the things people proclaim in fluorescent, gleaming, glittering font have zero to do with anything that might–in some other world where glitter is acceptable–actually deserve to glitter? Here are some examples I’ve gathered from people’s real profiles. Let me remind you that I did not create these. They are real. They are live. And they are eating our brains on our computer screens.

Example 1:

All right. Now I’ve never had a baby, or a husband (yet) for that matter, and I wouldn’t know much about falling in love with an infant. But what I do know is that this graphic is obnoxious. Not only is it unremarkable, since millions of people have babies every day, but it runs the serious risk of alienating/offending/generally upsetting the rest of the universe who a) can’t have babies, b) haven’t found husbands, c) have babies, but no husbands, d) are grossed out by mushy sentiments that shimmer.

Moving on to Example 2:

Oh my Lord, where do I start? With the fact that whoever this is directed to would never know, based solely on the lack of proper nouns? With the idea that perhaps everyone who reads it will assume that it’s referring to them, leading to some sticky situations? Or should I just point out again that this is not worthy of a glitter graphic?

Now it’s true that I’d quite prefer to see glitter graphics abolished from society altogether. However, if this cannot be, I would like to envision a world in which the usage of glitter signifies importance. For example, “I’m an ax-murderer and ABC is my next victim!” or “XYZ gave me herpes. Proceed at your own risk!” These are sentiments that the world might be interested in receiving. In cases such as this, attention-grabbing glitter would be merited; perhaps almost useful.

And so, if we cannot abolish glitter graphics with wishing alone, may I ask that all five or so of my noble readers remember this semi-mathematical equation: Glitter Graphic + Important News = Semi-Acceptable, when Important News is equivalent to something that at least 50-percent of your profile readers care about. Otherwise: Glitter Graphic + Random Babble = ABC, where ABC is you…

Tags:   glitter graphics · Internet · laughter · life · myspace1 Comment