The internet is funny: The prologue comes after the body. Silly internet. If you missed the inspirational Prologue to this post, please scroll down. Then scroll back up. It’s counter-intuitive. It’s the WWW!
Onward with this installment of THINGS I LOVE ABOUT THE RECESSION:
1) Recession specials.
Perhaps they don’t have these outside of the greater NYC area (that sucks for the rest of you), but recession specials are the bomb. If you’re not familiar, they involve restaurants saying things like, “Eat three courses for 20 bucks.” Then I get to be like, “Hey, even I have 20 bucks! I shall partake in this feast of plenty.” Prior to the recession, deals like this did not exist. Perhaps because it’s not PC to have “Really poor people specials.”
2) Clothing cut-backs.
The recession hit rock bottom just as the weather got warmer. In years past, I had to a) be embarrassed of my holey, too small shorts left from when I was 16, b) put myself into credit card debt to buy warm weather wear I could not afford. Now, no one has money, so no one can buy clothes, which means I won’t be ashamed to just cut things up and groove with the holes. In fact, now I can make a fashion statement of poor-ness. (Again, this strategy may be more effective in the NYC area.)
3) Cocktail company.
As someone who’s consistently been poor, I’ve made a habit of making meals out of cocktail garnishes. Seriously, you can get three courses if you’re sneaky. I like to start with an appetizer of maraschino cherries, then move on to a main course of olives and cocktail onions and finish with a refreshing orange slice or seven. People once looked at me strangely as I stole bar garnishes. Now, the bartender, various out-of-work businessmen and the creepy guy in the corner who’s hitting on me have all joined in this feast of free—which, incidentally, I don’t have to partake in as much due to the prevalence of the aforementioned recession specials.
4) Gas. cheap-gas
No, not from the cocktail garnishes. As in, I can put this in my car again, and my car will now go places. As I could not afford a tank of gas prior to the recession, I’m feeling pretty good cruising around in my holey clothes.
5) Gym Membership: Over!
Everyone I know has always had a gym membership. Even I have had a gym membership, and I don’t know if you missed the memo here, but I’m pretty damn poor. The truth is though, I never actually went to the gym, but used it as a beacon of body hope. As in, perhaps someday I will to go the gym and get really healthy and sexy, and in the meantime, I can pretend I go there to fit in with all the cool people I know. Now that the recession has taken everyone’s cash and hid it under a mattress in oblivion, no one can afford to have gym memberships anymore, which means everyone has cancelled them, which means I can cancel mine and enjoy twice as many TV shows on my stolen internet. Sweet.
The recession rocks!
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